Thursday, March 4, 2010

past tense.

skimming through old xanga blogs. i didn't realize i had so many. words about pain, anger, love, happiness, excitement, anticipation... a documentation of events i vaguely remember about my teenage angst years.

and when you read those words, what are you thinking?


today, was a rough day. it's been a rough year.

depression has some sort of hold on me and every time i think i'm over it, something reminds me that i'm not and i find myself crying. it's just too much "going through."

chauvin and i signed papers today. our court date is in three months. he held my hand as i cried. it makes me sad to think that our feelings are strong and that we could have made it work but i didn't know it nine months ago. we didn't know much of anything nine months ago. and i'm not saying i regret it... because i won't take it back... but today i think i realized, i will always love him. although i know we are better off.

i just know that this time around, i could never hurt anybody as well as myself... that way again. i've learned a lot.

.......

things just haven't been the same, emotionally, ever since i lost my baby.

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