two thousand and nine.

I'm ready to say bye bye to '09.

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us..." Dickens

I definitely had a growth spurt this year.

From being Content. Married. Workaholic. School-aholic.

And then all of a sudden, not being able to get somebody else out of my head.

I was having dreams about him.

It was then that I became aware of what my life, my love, my everything was lacking.

And there was no turning back.

My best friend stole my heart.

& we risked it all....

And it definitely came with it's hardship.

Like I was Hester Prynne, with a scarlet A across my chest.

It wasn't easy living on my own.

It wasn't easy hearing the whispers of those that were once my friends.

Ken and I were definitely alienated at times.

It wasn't easy when we lost our baby, also.

All these changes definitely put myself through a roller coaster ride.

And only led to...

A new perspective.

A new start.

Hello, 2010.

obliterated.

"her heart is obliterated. i'm trying to travel through but it's like moving mountains. it's like moving mountains. hey, but i keep climbing and hoping things would change. then the sky turns gray and the water from the rain washes progress away..."

most days, i believe i'm suppose to live my life alone.

i have a big heart. but i have a bigger guard.

oscar wilde.

"it is absurb to divide people into good or bad. people are either charming or tedious."

washignton.

i'm feeling like seattle weather.

stuck in reverse.

maybe it's the other way around.

maybe it's not that i want to let go of all responsibilities

but that i need to start being responsible.

i feel defeated.

it's like i'm fifteen all over again,

and i don't know a damn thing.

i want to be a crab, a turtle, a...

and just hide inside of my shell.

i want to be invisible.

i don't want these responsibilities.

i'm not ready.

i'm still not ready...

H.A.T.E.U. - MC

"sorry, the frustration's got me feeling awake.

and i just keep having one last thing to say."

a survivor.

i can't believe i almost gave in.

against what i am about.

it might takes forever and a year to be where i wanna be.

but i will eventually get there.

tell me it was all a dream.

i was pregnant for three months.

november 5th, we lost our baby.

it was definitely my worst fear.

doctor's results after testing: "you're either in the middle of a miscarriage or you're having an ectopic pregnancy."

in other words, "you're either in the middle of your worst fear or you're having something even worst."

i am so over you, retail.

you're on the list of bad relationships.

heart.

i love dating my best friend.

he's definitely something else.

birth control.

the idea kind of repulses me.

i don't know if i want that kind of control.

decisions, decisions.

alienated.

enough said.

please remind me, my love.

maybe, i'm a mess.

maybe, behind my exterior of pretty smiles and my ability to remain detached -- i am actually human.

maybe, some things will really never change.

like allowing someone to take a hold of my heart.

call me selfish?

i'm just scared.

i'm simply not good with emotions.

oh, no.

but he does all the right things. at all the right times.

and i'm torn.