kanye west; runaway

"i always find, yeah, i always find somethin' wrong. you been puttin up with my shit for way too long. i'm so gifted at finding what i don't like the most. so i think it's time for us to have a toast. let's have a toast for the douchebags. let's have a toast for the assholes. let's have a toast for the scumbags, every one of them that i know. let's have a toast for the jerkoffs, that'll never take work off. baby i got a plan, run away fast as you can.... never was much of a romantic. i could never take the intimacy. and i know it did damage because the look in your eyes, is killing me. i guess you knew an advantage cause you can blame me for everything. and i don't know how imma manage, if one day you just up and leave...."

21 versus 22.

age twenty-two was definitely a 180 from being twenty-one.

being pregnant the first time and losing baby definitely put a whole new perspective on everything.

and now everything is only for baby and my family.

i'll sneak a little me time in between :)

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Sixth Level of Hell - The City of Dis!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	High
Level 2 (Lustful)	High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Very Low
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Very High
Level 7 (Violent)	Moderate
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Moderate
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Low

Take the Dante's Inferno Test

Sixth Level of Hell - The City of Dis

---

You approach Satan's wretched city where you behold a wide plain surrounded by iron walls. Before you are fields full of distress and torment terrible. Burning tombs are littered about the landscape. Inside these flaming sepulchers suffer the heretics, failing to believe in God and the afterlife, who make themselves audible by doleful sighs. You will join the wicked that lie here, and will be offered no respite. The three infernal Furies stained with blood, with limbs of women and hair of serpents, dwell in this circle of Hell.

drop the world.

"I got ice in my veins, blood in my eyes
Hate in my heart, love in my mind
I seen nights full of pain, days of the same
You keep the sunshine, save me the rain
I search but never find, hurt but never cry
I work and forever try, but I’m cursed, so never mind
And it’s worse, but better times seem further and beyond
The top gets higher the more that I climb
The spot gets smaller, and I get bigger
Tryna get into where I fit in, no room for a n*gga
But soon for a n*gga it be on, mu’f*cka
‘Cause all the bullshit, it made me strong, mu’f*cka"
- Lil Wayne

miss.

i'm just misunderstood & unwilling to apologize for their assumptions.

today is.

cleaning out my closet day.

dear first love,

thank you for making it so easy for me to let loved ones go.

i had a lot of practice with you.

sincerely,

sherri ann

trust.

I'm having this overwhelming sense of revulsion.

Just from knowing the tainted innocence of a man I don't care to know. I guess I just can't accept how two people who have been in a relationship for years --- find themselves keeping secrets of dishonesty or unfaithfulness from each other. Especially those that decide to marry.

I guess I don't understand how it kills someone to lie to their loved one... but they keep doing it yet feel as if she/he doesn't deserve it. ---> in reference to usher's "fooling around."

I admit that I am married but we separated long before I could start lying to him. Why? Because I truly loved him enough to let him go... and not "play games" or "play pretend." He deserves more than that from me. From anyone. People deserve better than that.

I would feel differently if a man or woman slips and they tell their partners, the truth... and they work it out from there but it's just not fair for one person to know what they've done and let the other person believe they're the ones in fault when issues arise.

If people really did love each other, they would be down. No matter what. Down to move on from all the bullshit that may tempt human nature. But you got to be down with telling the real.

And just knowing what I've seen and heard from others....

I can't believe I'm letting it get the best of me right now.

"i'm sorry for blaming you...

for everything i just couldn't do.

and i've hurt myself by hurting you."

sometimes it's just easier pointing fingers.

i have a big ego.

and my pride, sometimes, get's the best of me.

like jack johnson sang,

we are only what we hate.

breath of fresh air.

it's so refreshing to be able to open up to people

other than my blog.

in the past, i've always kept every little thing to myself.

because i'd feel ashamed....

yes, ashamed to have human emotions.

i almost thought last night was going to be a waste of time. just because i haven't been in the mood to go out for the last three months... and at first, i was thinking... what am i doing here? am i really getting old? is this really not my scene anymore? am i really this bored with myself? what is going on with me?!!! ed text me earlier, "how can you be bored? you go to work. you go to school. you hang out with your friends. do you really just never want to sleep?"

honestly, i've always needed constant change. i don't know why. but i'm learning to be patient because i have witnessed during my life... if i had just been patient with certain things in my life, i would have had better.

for instance, when i was married to chauvin and we moved out here to seattle, i demanded we had a two bedroom apartment. and i demanded it be the apartment we ended up staying at. well, if i had just listened to him... and we got the one bedroom apartment that he now lives in since we seperated.... it would have been more beautiful. we would have saved a couple hundred every month... and have more space.... or when i selfishly demanded i just had to have a car.... the month that we bought it... and that it had to be a jetta... and now... it's cost us so much money... because i've been cursed with so many problems with that car because i wasn't patient enough to shop around. fml.

so as much as i just want to rush myself out of this city... i'm here for a reason. i can't run away every single time i don't have what i want. i can't be THAT spoiled.

respect & girlfriends.

i don't know why it bothered me so much.

but when it happened,

i just got homesick.

i wanted to run away.

far away.

from this lonely place.

females can be shady ass bitches.

past tense.

skimming through old xanga blogs. i didn't realize i had so many. words about pain, anger, love, happiness, excitement, anticipation... a documentation of events i vaguely remember about my teenage angst years.

and when you read those words, what are you thinking?

today, was a rough day. it's been a rough year.

depression has some sort of hold on me and every time i think i'm over it, something reminds me that i'm not and i find myself crying. it's just too much "going through."

chauvin and i signed papers today. our court date is in three months. he held my hand as i cried. it makes me sad to think that our feelings are strong and that we could have made it work but i didn't know it nine months ago. we didn't know much of anything nine months ago. and i'm not saying i regret it... because i won't take it back... but today i think i realized, i will always love him. although i know we are better off.

i just know that this time around, i could never hurt anybody as well as myself... that way again. i've learned a lot.

.......

things just haven't been the same, emotionally, ever since i lost my baby.

insatiable.

i know who i am.

and i know what i want.

i need to satisfy this hunger.

and yes, my expectations are high.

love spoiled.

yes, he has me love spoiled.

great expectations.

learning.

growing.

progressing.

i admit, for reasons unknown, i'm terrified - of committing myself to anything.

because what if, i find something better.

i don't want to make the same mistakes twice.

& sometimes, i don't trust myself.

i don't trust that life will go my way...

i know, it's what makes life... colorful.

but i will always have my moments....

where i'm stuck in my head.

and i just need you....

to hold my hand.

history.

it's stupid.

you're always willing to repeatedly give your heart

to the first one to wound your heart.

and let history repeat itself.

and it's not even that you're in love.

because you're just looking for answers.

"why, oh why

was our love unrequited?"

as they keep you around for the comfort of knowing...

they will always be loved by you.