dear first love,

thank you for making it so easy for me to let loved ones go.

i had a lot of practice with you.

sincerely,

sherri ann

trust.

I'm having this overwhelming sense of revulsion.

Just from knowing the tainted innocence of a man I don't care to know. I guess I just can't accept how two people who have been in a relationship for years --- find themselves keeping secrets of dishonesty or unfaithfulness from each other. Especially those that decide to marry.

I guess I don't understand how it kills someone to lie to their loved one... but they keep doing it yet feel as if she/he doesn't deserve it. ---> in reference to usher's "fooling around."

I admit that I am married but we separated long before I could start lying to him. Why? Because I truly loved him enough to let him go... and not "play games" or "play pretend." He deserves more than that from me. From anyone. People deserve better than that.

I would feel differently if a man or woman slips and they tell their partners, the truth... and they work it out from there but it's just not fair for one person to know what they've done and let the other person believe they're the ones in fault when issues arise.

If people really did love each other, they would be down. No matter what. Down to move on from all the bullshit that may tempt human nature. But you got to be down with telling the real.

And just knowing what I've seen and heard from others....

I can't believe I'm letting it get the best of me right now.

"i'm sorry for blaming you...

for everything i just couldn't do.

and i've hurt myself by hurting you."

sometimes it's just easier pointing fingers.

i have a big ego.

and my pride, sometimes, get's the best of me.

like jack johnson sang,

we are only what we hate.

breath of fresh air.

it's so refreshing to be able to open up to people

other than my blog.

in the past, i've always kept every little thing to myself.

because i'd feel ashamed....

yes, ashamed to have human emotions.

i almost thought last night was going to be a waste of time. just because i haven't been in the mood to go out for the last three months... and at first, i was thinking... what am i doing here? am i really getting old? is this really not my scene anymore? am i really this bored with myself? what is going on with me?!!! ed text me earlier, "how can you be bored? you go to work. you go to school. you hang out with your friends. do you really just never want to sleep?"

honestly, i've always needed constant change. i don't know why. but i'm learning to be patient because i have witnessed during my life... if i had just been patient with certain things in my life, i would have had better.

for instance, when i was married to chauvin and we moved out here to seattle, i demanded we had a two bedroom apartment. and i demanded it be the apartment we ended up staying at. well, if i had just listened to him... and we got the one bedroom apartment that he now lives in since we seperated.... it would have been more beautiful. we would have saved a couple hundred every month... and have more space.... or when i selfishly demanded i just had to have a car.... the month that we bought it... and that it had to be a jetta... and now... it's cost us so much money... because i've been cursed with so many problems with that car because i wasn't patient enough to shop around. fml.

so as much as i just want to rush myself out of this city... i'm here for a reason. i can't run away every single time i don't have what i want. i can't be THAT spoiled.

respect & girlfriends.

i don't know why it bothered me so much.

but when it happened,

i just got homesick.

i wanted to run away.

far away.

from this lonely place.

females can be shady ass bitches.