like jack johnson sang,

we are only what we hate.

breath of fresh air.

it's so refreshing to be able to open up to people

other than my blog.

in the past, i've always kept every little thing to myself.

because i'd feel ashamed....

yes, ashamed to have human emotions.

i almost thought last night was going to be a waste of time. just because i haven't been in the mood to go out for the last three months... and at first, i was thinking... what am i doing here? am i really getting old? is this really not my scene anymore? am i really this bored with myself? what is going on with me?!!! ed text me earlier, "how can you be bored? you go to work. you go to school. you hang out with your friends. do you really just never want to sleep?"

honestly, i've always needed constant change. i don't know why. but i'm learning to be patient because i have witnessed during my life... if i had just been patient with certain things in my life, i would have had better.

for instance, when i was married to chauvin and we moved out here to seattle, i demanded we had a two bedroom apartment. and i demanded it be the apartment we ended up staying at. well, if i had just listened to him... and we got the one bedroom apartment that he now lives in since we seperated.... it would have been more beautiful. we would have saved a couple hundred every month... and have more space.... or when i selfishly demanded i just had to have a car.... the month that we bought it... and that it had to be a jetta... and now... it's cost us so much money... because i've been cursed with so many problems with that car because i wasn't patient enough to shop around. fml.

so as much as i just want to rush myself out of this city... i'm here for a reason. i can't run away every single time i don't have what i want. i can't be THAT spoiled.

respect & girlfriends.

i don't know why it bothered me so much.

but when it happened,

i just got homesick.

i wanted to run away.

far away.

from this lonely place.

females can be shady ass bitches.

past tense.

skimming through old xanga blogs. i didn't realize i had so many. words about pain, anger, love, happiness, excitement, anticipation... a documentation of events i vaguely remember about my teenage angst years.

and when you read those words, what are you thinking?

today, was a rough day. it's been a rough year.

depression has some sort of hold on me and every time i think i'm over it, something reminds me that i'm not and i find myself crying. it's just too much "going through."

chauvin and i signed papers today. our court date is in three months. he held my hand as i cried. it makes me sad to think that our feelings are strong and that we could have made it work but i didn't know it nine months ago. we didn't know much of anything nine months ago. and i'm not saying i regret it... because i won't take it back... but today i think i realized, i will always love him. although i know we are better off.

i just know that this time around, i could never hurt anybody as well as myself... that way again. i've learned a lot.

.......

things just haven't been the same, emotionally, ever since i lost my baby.

insatiable.

i know who i am.

and i know what i want.

i need to satisfy this hunger.

and yes, my expectations are high.

love spoiled.

yes, he has me love spoiled.

great expectations.

learning.

growing.

progressing.

i admit, for reasons unknown, i'm terrified - of committing myself to anything.

because what if, i find something better.

i don't want to make the same mistakes twice.

& sometimes, i don't trust myself.

i don't trust that life will go my way...

i know, it's what makes life... colorful.

but i will always have my moments....

where i'm stuck in my head.

and i just need you....

to hold my hand.